Parenthetically Speaking…

January 2, 2009

Excerpt: Men versus Guys

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 1:07 pm

April 9, 2008

If this poem doesn’t kick your ass I don’t get you.

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 9:14 pm



By Jerry Williams

An autumn shadow draws across my room.
This morning’s remedy hasn’t kicked in.
I’m losing the bookshelf wars.
Not to a doctor, but to a dream horizon
dotted with enormous nylon sacks
of arrogance and longing and gloom-filled sloth.
I wanted more. There it is.
I wanted so much more to issue forth.
Wrong or right, I wanted to walk under a bridge
wearing a hat made of prose
and sing Buddy Holly songs in Russian.
I wanted to sell fire and sirens door to door.
Forget the stamen and the pistil.
I wanted a soy toy. I wanted more.
I could eat the breeze right off the curtains.
I wanted to get to the point where what I’m allowed
actually feels like what I desire.
Maybe I should have married A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
and all the rest, but I had to child-proof my entire future,
stand on the roof with a shotgun diploma,
and campaign for National Verb Month.
I wanted to arrive at a different concourse.
I wanted the perfect outlet
for whatever coal dust I might cough up.
I wanted exploits, vehemence, divergence,
characters screaming at each other onstage,
slicing off fingers and chucking them
into the prop sink and then laughing their guts out,
doubled over, tears streaming down their faces,
guffawing, blood up and down their forearms,
gravel and antiquities underfoot.
No big deal. No human pyramids.
I wanted to love someone so hard
(s)he would never forgive me.
I wanted to rob a bank with a golf club.
I expected more of myself.
I wish I heard voices.
I wish pinatas were filled with naked students and Vicodin.
I thought I would be the scariest mummy
in the museum by now,
but all I am is preparedness,
the implements of my sterility laid out in the dusk.
This here: This is not even what I wanted to say.
I’ve failed at reverse prayer,
failed to understand my own eyes.
It’s getting dark and I can hear my neighbors creaking.
They must hide the pigeons at night.
My greatest fear is that the love of my life
will be the onewho pushes the needle,
the one who tells me to start counting backwards
from forever.

January 15, 2008

America Loves a Whore

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 2:24 pm

An excellent little rant I came across today by Heather Havrilesky at Salon:

“America loves a whore. We’re a nation of whores, after all — just try holding down a job in this great land of ours without compromising your values and shortchanging your best ideas. We grow up hearing “Be yourself!” and “Follow your dreams!” but the marketplace tramples all over such fanciful rainbows-and-unicorns notions of identity and self-respect with its big, dirty, hobnailed boots. Thus are plucky, original human beings transformed into polite, agreeable team players, anxious to waste a lifetime kowtowing to the lowest common denominator.

Once you sell a big part of your soul for a hot slice of the American dream (something about grassy lawns, enormous mortgages and life insurance policies you can’t afford), you’ve set the stage for a lifetime of doing stupid, demeaning shit just to make your nut. When you recognize that your “success” in life has cemented you on a path of unending compromise, getting paid to get screwed up the ass by a stranger really doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch.”

-H

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January 9, 2008

"Indulging my relentless existential crisis and eating leftover Hamburger Helper. You?"

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 7:45 am

March 23, 2007

A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 10:52 am

This was in The New Yorker online, written by Simon Rich, and it was just too good not to share:


MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.

DAD: O.K.

GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.

UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.

DAD: We all are.

MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.

DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.

MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.

FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!

DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.

MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!

DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!

MOM: Now everything is fine.

DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.

MOM: There was a big sex.

FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!

(Everybody laughs.)

MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!

GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?

ALL: Yes.

GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.

June 15, 2006

“I’m in Canada and I’m too Drunk to Leave!”

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 2:45 pm

Thanks to Dan and Sen for making it quite a memorable adventure.  Be sure to ask one of us about ‘Full-Frontal on Highway 95′ or ‘The Great Ice Heist’ sometime over a drink.

March 21, 2006

Roam if you want to.

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 2:24 pm

I feel something like Lot’s wife lately — if they plunked her in a cow pasture for a good licking after turning into a pillar of salt.

I need a road trip.

Now I just have to decide where to go.  Bozeman?  I spent a memorable rainy night there on my way home last summer and I can’t help but wonder if I’d run into him again.

If you see Yoshimi at a gas pump on Saturday morning, and me exiting the Chevron with an enormous fountain soda in one hand, two packs of Camels and my keys in the other, and a bag of twizzlers dangling from my mouth, smile and wave (I’d wave back, but my hands are full).  And, if you’re so inclined, say a little prayer to Mother Road for us.

January 12, 2006

Stain-Removal tips for the Professional Woman

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 5:55 pm

I’m sick. Again. I just caught the second bug in a row and I’m pissed.  I had to run errands today, and I wonder if I’m not the mouthiest, most passive-aggressive asshole on the road when I don’t feel good. (I’m sure one woman in a blue 4-Runner and that guy in the white Chevy pick-up will remember the cranky-looking bitch in the yellow wagon).

My apartment is a mess, my hair is a mess, my skin forgot we’re in our twenties, and I’ve inexplicably put on five pounds in the space of a week.  I went to the grocery store, though I looked and felt like shit and, while carrying in the groceries, a jar of organic spaghetti sauce broke through a bag and shattered, flinging tomato-y goodness over three pairs of shoes, a basket of laundry, and the carpet in the foyer (the stain looks uncannily like a seahorse).  I picked up the glass and what was left of the jar, dropped it in the trash, and put the shoes out on the balcony to deal with later. Then, I mindlessly licked my sauce-covered thumb and embedded a shard of glass in the roof of my mouth.

 

I am a dumbass.

 

It took a few minutes, but I was eventually able to remove it, spitting out blood in the process. Overwhelmed and out of breath, I popped the bottle of wine I bought and sat down, right here, to share this with you before getting on my hands and knees with a rag.  Didn’t dawn on me that alcohol on any open wound is not the best idea.

 

Sigh.

A country station was tuned in on the office radio this afternoon, so I’m left feeling like my today has been a video montage for the latest chart-topper on CMT, and someone is twangily singing in the background about dusting yourself off and getting back on the horse, or saddle, or wagon, or whatever.  It’s a comfort.

I need a hug. That and some Nyquil. Nyquil would be awesome.

November 25, 2005

On a lighter note…

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 1:03 pm

I accidentally left a partial block of cheddar out last night.  This morning, it is a bit smaller, covered in droplets of grease, and it is a darker shade of orange than it was when I went to sleep.

I am almost out of matches, and my lighter died, so I have been using a match an evening, lighting a candle, and now the first drag of every cigarette gives a hint of Glade.  Do you think it’s carcinogenic?

I found a weird little hair growing along my jaw line.  To my chagrin, I can’t find my tweezers, so there it will remain until I do.

I have to pee.  There are two bathrooms in my apartment. This time, I went with the closest one to my computer; the bigger bathroom.  It has a tub, no shower, but better lighting and a bigger counter.  It is there I blow dry my hair and apply mascara. The downside is that the pot is about 18″ from Emily’s litterbox.  The toilet in the ‘master suite’, as I enjoy calling it, is a little crooked, but it will do if I wake in the middle of the night or want to brush my teeth while I’m there.

I am currently watching Mythbusters.  Whether I would rather have Adam or Jamie depends on my mood.  It might be the closest thing we nerdy women have to a Madonna/Whore complex.

I had three separate and distinct dreams last night.  One scary and suspenseful, one an entertaining romp, the third, a romantic comedy; it starred that cute guy from “The Office” who has a thing for the receptionist.   I woke up satisfied.

I’m going to go wipe down the flat surfaces in my apartment now.

Thank you and good night.

October 30, 2005

Great, my blog begins with a sex dream.

Filed under: Uncategorized — bear @ 10:10 pm

I dreamt I had sex with Matthew Broderick last night.  Awkward, uncomfortable sex, not with the “Ferris Bueller” Matthew, but with the “Now starring in ‘The Producers’ with Nathan Lane–married to Sarah Jessica Parker–still cute but a little bit puffy” Matthew, under fluorescent light in someone’s drably finished basement.

When your sex dreams aren’t even sexy, something is wrong. Have I lost my sense or romance?  That ’step out of the cold into somewhere warm’ pink-cheeked feeling, or the way you feel when the perfect sad song comes on the radio while you’re driving a gorgeous stretch of road at a gorgeous time of day, or the dizzy distraction when he’s telling you about his day but all you can think is “Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me?”  I can’t remember the last time I had a crush, or got the butterflies, or even indulged a little healthy melancholy.

 

Depressing, isn’t it?

 

Thing is, I’m not depressed, and that’s what frightens me about it.  This even-keeled moderation I’ve settled into may be what they call mental health, but they can stuff their mental health up their rectal health. I wanna feel something, dammit.

Thankfully, winter is coming.  When the first snow flies, I’m gonna cultivate a little excess.

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